Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Sliced Pork


Reader "Festus Porkmeyer" submits the pic above and the following story. You're the man Porky!

Sticking to your theme, here are two takes on a recent head wound, which Porky received the same day you went to the hospital, apparently.

The scenario: Porky blows the rebound from a halfass backside cutback and, anticipating a long swim to the beach, bodysurfs the same wave in — alongside his board, it turns out. Buried soundly in the whitewater, ever-adaptable bodysurfer Porky relaxes, lowering his head and arms until ... Bam!


A new way to get hurt?


An enduring curiosity surrounds Hynson’s Black Knight Quad and its severe down rails. Well, brother, the rails are indeed sharp. Porky’s gash resulted from a blunt-force hit. Porky is just glad he wasn’t riding the even-sharper-railed Twinzer.


Being cooped up in the house with a 3-year-old and a head wound has given Porky a little time to reflect. He wonders: Do the chipped front tooth, twice-broken nose — OK, once from a punchout — worn skin and recent head wound better reflect 22 years of hard-core commitment or two frivolous decades of donkeyhood, gaperism and kookiness?


Porky strongly suspects the latter and wonders if he is yet eligible for some sort of a Lifetime Donkey Achievement award. Twenty-two years, although just a fraction of a dedicated surf lifespan and but a handbreath in geological time, is a long time to be stuck in surfing’s equivalent of the sniffing-butts stage.


Jesus Baldheaded Christ. How did this turn into Confessions of a Super-Donkey? Sorry about that. Porky just hopes the picture helps during these infirm days.

FP

9 comments:

J.P. said...

Poor Porky. Poor, poor Porky.

festus porkmeyer said...

WYD: How'd I know you'd use the oversharpened version?

Are you ready to close the deal on that 12'3" SUP? For an even $3,700, I'll throw in the comp-weight bamboo paddle with endangered Galapagos giant tortoise shell trim.

See you at the TJ Sloughs after the next big rain for the Nameless SUP Challenge '08 ...

Who's Your Daddy said...

LOL. Sloughs? That place is for wimps.

festus porkmeyer said...

JP: You try living in the Vulcan Street 7-Eleven parking lot with your family in an ’82 Chevette and commuting by skateboard to a Tijuana street corner for “work.” See if you don’t end up with a head wound or two ...

Anonymous said...

Pork, are you "Frank" from the old Murphy Brown show?

Chum said...

Pork-star, that's a nice vertical smile on your forehead. All that's missing is a triangular tuft of trim...

Frankus Porkmeyer? said...

Anonymous,

I'd rather not say, considering this blog's rampant and reckless discrimination against celebrities-turned-surfboarders.

One more thing: Chum is a big hairy pussball.

nameless said...

"Festus Porkmeyer", here's to hoping that you are well and back on the horse soon enough!

I for one have been sailsurfing the breakers in the Springtime winds at my beloved Baja locale whilst stand-up surfing my Ward Coffey high-performance funboard in the interim.

I am in fine spirits and good sportsmanship to proceed with the Surf-Off, 2008! My health and fitness level is at peak, do keep me informed. I must go, for my steamed organic vegetable dinner and lovely Russian bien-aimé await!

Who's Your Daddy said...

LOL. Hello almost-Bill! How's the Claret?